sprite writes
broodings from the burrow

November 12, 2018

posted by soe 1:20 am

If last weekend was filled so completely that I didn’t have time to think about my situation, this weekend was not filled sufficiently. There was too much time on my own, too much time spent in my own head, too much time thinking about how things could have gone differently (not just about being downsized; it was a fun spiral that ran the gamut from dishwashing to grad school).

I realize this is a loss, and while I am not especially upset at having to find another job (that’s not entirely true; I’m looking forward to having a new job I love, but not to finding one), I am still at a loss for the sudden way in which losing the old one occurred. And losses take time and energy to deal with, and there is a grieving process. I’d like to hope that being aware this is what’s going on means that it won’t last too much longer, but I’d be lying if my own consciousness of a problem has historically indicated any ability to move through it with alacrity. But there’s a first time for everything, I suppose. And as long as I realize there’s the potential for this to become a problem, I can take the steps necessary to guard against it — rising earlier, getting out into the sunshine, exercising, talking to people… — and to take further steps if necessary.

I literally keep telling myself to suck it up and power through this, and I will. Just maybe not in ten days. Everyone who kept being surprised when I said I was going to just take a single day to wallow may have had a clearer picture than I did about that aspect of things. So, yes, my plan of thirds is still roughly going to hold true. But I think I will reorder things for the time being so that the self-care comes first and that I’m not dragging myself outside at 4 p.m. in pursuit of a flagging sun.

Because the days will roll past whether I see the sun in person or not, but they’ll sure feel a lot more pleasant if I do.

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